Mommy Guilt

Well, there is a broad title if I've ever used one. 

Mommy guilt is a pretty constant thing is a mom's life I think, it can be due to something super duper small, or something very large and in your face.  I had an in-between dose yesterday.

Day before yesterday, Betty had told Jason when he picked Mads up that she had bitten one of the little boys. I asked Mads about it and she said that he had hit her first. I know, no excuse for biting, but at least there was a reason. So I let it go. 

Then yesterday, I get an email saying that she wasn't sure what was going on with Madie, but that she had already, poked the same little boy in the eye, hit him in the head with a toy car, and gotten unreasonably mad at her little friend Henry while they were playing.  She had her doll and her blankie priviledges taken away by the time I got the email.

I was heartbroken.

Not because she was acting out, even though that wasn't like her, but because I knew deep down that it was a direct cause of how Jason and I have been acting lately.

We have been more stressed lately in our household and I am not sure if there is one cause or a whole bunch of causes.  Jason gets worked up over the puppy, I get worked up over Jason, Jason gets worked up over me.  I am not sleeping well, I am ready to just have this baby already, my body aches, baby and frozen shoulder related, I have none of my vices/destressors (a cocktail, a cigarette, my full dose of zoloft...) and my fuse is growing shorter and shorter.  I realized that she sees us every night, freaking out and overreacting over at least one (sometimes more) minor things.

I called Jason immediately and told him we need to shape up, like NOW.  He agreed wholeheartedly, and it was nice to know that we both knew we needed to start behaving better. For the sake of Madie first, but also for the sake of our marriage, our health, a happy home, everything. 

I spent the lunch hour at the Tap with my mom, crying over the fact that Madie was at daycare being punished for her parent's bad behavior. I felt awful.

In the afternoon, I got another email saying that Mads was swinging and out of the blue said that she was going to be a good girl now and not hit anymore.  Betty said it seemed as though she had been thinking things over and came to the conclusion that it was no fun to get in trouble and get her things taken away. I was happy to hear this, but had already decided that I was going to have a chat with her last night and tell her that not only did she need to be good, but especially mommy and daddy did too.

Last night while she was in the tub, where it is easier to get at least most of her full attention, I told her that I know we have been more mad and yelling lately and that mommy and daddy were going to be nicer and that we were sorry.  I also told her it is ok to get mad, but to try and talk about it rather than hitting or biting, etc.  I just really wanted her to know that I wanted her to be nice, but that myself and Jason were going to be nice too. And I think it got through to her at least a little bit. I think she understood.  She is a smart cookie, so yeah, I am pretty sure she understood. She asked, So you and daddy be nice now too?".

Yes baby, we will, I promise.