Updates Galore!

Today our lease is up at the apartment so I will be dropping off the keys and kissing that place goodbye! It was a good apartment, but we have been staying at the house now since last Friday and I love love love it.

I love it even though we have no blinds on the windows yet and so no privacy in the evening and waking up at the first glint of sunlight (Jason may be fixing this little issue today though, yes!).

I love it even though we have found that the a/c is dry as a bone and most likely needs to be replaced and it just so happened to get to a lovely 97 degrees yesterday with the same expected today and I am 180 months pregnant and was a melting pile of hormones last night.

I love it even though the pile of boxes that I have yet to go through in the garage and basement may have to wait until after little one decides to come because the process of sitting/standing/kneeling to go thru them and put things away takes about FOREVER at this point and is none too comfortable, especially with the 15 gallons of water I seem to be holding in the feet/ankles, CALVES (?!) and knees.

I love it even though we only got the bedrooms painted and the trim painted white before we threw in the towel and gave up on getting the rest of the house / trim painted. Maybe someday. Or when we can hire someone. Because painting dark wood trim from the early 80's white? SO worth it, but SUCH a pain in the butt, especially the window casings.

On the baby side of things, last week my doctor scheduled a c-section for June 1st. Mixed emotions. I called my mom and told her and I was fine, but when I called Jason I couldn't hardly get the words out and then cried. I was pretty bummed for a little while after that. I am not even too sure why. A little bit of me feels like I failed somehow I think, though I know that is not true.

I am also a bit (okay, a LOT) nervous about being awake during a surgery like that. The pain is not the problem, I know you don't really feel a whole lot. I am more worried about my OCD coming at me full force. I have pure O, and it is pretty well controlled with meds, but I chose to cut WAY down on them (250mg to 25mg) for my pregnancy and all of my old thoughts are back with a vengence.

So let's lose all sense of reality and sanity for a moment and step into my OCD mind...I worry that I will do something duing the surgery to sabatoge it or hurt myself...such as trying to get up while I am cut open, or doing who knows what with my arms or hands and having to have them strapped down, or Or OR...I don't know. Anything. Now here is the thing with pure O. These are not things that I WANT to do and these are not things that I have EVER done and these are not things that I would likely EVER do. But my mind tells me over and over that they are POSSIBILITIES that I may not be able to stop myself from doing. It is so very very frustrating and I can not tell you how many aspects of my life that it messes with and how VERY VERY happy I will be to go back on my meds.

And for anyone who would like to say that mental meds are placebos or any other argument you may have, believe me. I had been feeling so good while on them that I thought for sure I would be fine off of them for the pregnancy, as though I was CURED. And then BAM, old thoughts that had been buried started coming at me from every direction and I was fearful of all these inane things that JUST MIGHT HAPPEN all over again. They seriously came out of no where. Things that I had actually forgotten about. So it wasn't me asking myself, am I scared of this, it was just POW - instant fear.

But I do know that it will all be okay when it is said and done and I will have a baby girl. So that is what I need to focus on. And how weird is it to schedule a delivery? Me and Jason are still trying to wrap our heads around what that will be like on the way to the hospital. "We are on our way to the hospital to have a baby at 7:30am". SO odd, I think, since these things usually have a bit of the surprise factor involved.